Anonymous asked: It's time to stop playing on your accident and move on with your life.
I’m so glad you gave me this advice. I seriously would not have known what to do with my life after my accident. I was thinking of moving off, but moving on is such a better idea! Once again, thank you so much for your wise input.
Moving on.
Xox
The fact
I had finished my Thursday night shift at Black by Ezard in The Star and on the drive home I fell asleep at the wheel and drifted towards oncoming traffic on Parramatta road around Burwood and went head on against a truck.
The photos
The memory
I don’t remember a thing. Literally. All I remember was driving home, cleared the Anzac Bridge, cleared the City West Link, turned onto Parramatta road and then I’m blank and my next recollection is of waking up in the ambulance going to Intensive Care- and even that memory is blurry and patchy.
The hospital
They told me (and I read on some forms) that I arrived at RPA hospital at around 4:30am Friday morning. My memory of being in the emergency ward is quite hazy but I do remember waking up to the image of my mother sitting by my bed. Immediately she started crying. I told her not to. I told her that I was okay and that I felt fine, minus a bit of pain from my injuries. She still cried.
I was eventually transferred to the Orthopaedic ward where I spent twelve days and eleven nights in Bed 22, 10 west 2. It literally felt very Scrubs-ish after a couple of days of getting to know my nurses and forming cheeky relationships with them- tit for tat and all that jazz- but I knew I had to be really nice to them because they held all the painkillers…nom nom.
I was bed rested because of my pain and impending surgeries, and without the use of my legs there wasn’t much I could do but lay in a bed. A small bed. Confined to a cube with the only form of privacy being a couple blinds that separated me from the outside world. Hearing pained, anguished moans at night whilst trying to sleep- only serving to affect my mentality and fuel my desperation for the ability to do what I wanted without having to ring for nurses or inconvenience my visitors…
All the rooms in the ward had four beds each and when one person was discharged it wasn’t long before the beds were taken up again. There were those who were less injured than I was and there were those who weren’t as lucky as I was. I struck some form of relationship with an elderly (and in all sense of the next word) gentleman by the name of Roy.
Roy was a tenor all his life and although had stopped singing a while back, he organised profitable variety shows. Roy had married a woman thirty years his junior and had three kids, the eldest being his twelve year old daughter and she was followed by his nine year old twins. He was a funny and witty man, Roy- but alas, his hospital stay was not fruitful one. Roy found out he had cancer. A lot of it. And it was bad. We spoke about it when he couldn’t sleep and he confided his feelings about it in me. The man was so charming that I wouldn’t have a problem shaving years off my own life in order for him to watch his kids graduate high school at the very least. You never know though- and wherever Roy is now, I wish him the best of luck with his treatment.
The injuries
I had to have two surgeries whilst in hospital. One on my left knee as I had a puncture wound and fluid between my joints and one major surgery on my left foot- I currently have three screws holding my metatarsals in line so they mend in the right position. There are also a few torn ligaments down there but asides from that, some high fractures and bruised toes on my right foot, lacerations around my stomach from the impact from the seat belt (I couldn’t sit up properly without some help because of the bruising on my stomach), and some classic superficial wounds (scratches, etc.), I’m otherwise feeling good. My internal organs and vitals were fine when I first got in to hospital, I suffered no spinal, back, neck or head injuries…invincible.
The robbery
The slight downside (besides the inability to walk for the next four to six months) was that whilst I had crashed into the truck, and before the ambulance or cops came, someone had gotten into my car and grabbed my shoulder bag- rummaged through it- and stole my wallet containing all my credit cards and a substantial amount of cash, and my passport.
The most important thing is that I’m alive (no one seems to believe that there was a survivor after seeing the state of the car), yes, but it takes one low as fuck fucker to think that it was anywhere near okay to steal my shit whilst I was unconscious or whatever. Wherever you are, I hope you get caught. You bought car batteries at a store in Bankstown- I hope they have a camera there and finally identify you you cunt. I care not what happens to you but if your life heads for the worse. I do not; I will not pity you.
The luck in hindsight
I can’t even begin to describe how I feel in terms of how lucky I am. Every time I look at the photo of my car I have no idea how I survived- or how I survived with such few injuries. One of the reasons I didn’t get more post trauma injuries was because, funnily enough, I was asleep. By being asleep during the impact my muscles were relaxed as opposed to tensed up- which would have probably caused more injuries to other parts of my body.
I am also extremely grateful and thankful that I was the sole injured person in the accident. When I think about how differently things could have developed in the crash, that I endangered the truck driver’s life, that I could’ve caused a bigger accident and in turn endanger other peoples’ lives- if anything more had happened because of my fault, I don’t think I’d have the stable mentality to take this incident so lightly and positively; and surely it would have also impeded on the progress of my rehabilitation.
The thanks
I have to thank whoever it was that reacted quickly at the scene and was able to get me out. It seems like it was a very tight squeeze and an almost impossible feat to have gotten me out of my car whilst it was wedged under the truck (finally, being girly skinny paid off). I just have no idea who to direct my thanks to though. I also wish my thanks upon the ambulance staff who finally woke me up and talked me through my groggy state and did a great job at keeping me calm and aware of the situation. All the hospital staff were really great in actuality and I’m eternally thankful for the treatment I received whilst in there.
I’m also grateful to my employers who were pretty on the ball and took that ball to start rolling my worker’s compensation claim as I was travelling home from work. Asides from filling the forms they’ve sent me, they’ve basically taken care of everything in regards to communication with the insurance company. Fingers crossed they accept my claim and I get my medical bills covered and a weekly wage whilst I’m unable to work (I’m not lazy- I’d gladly go work and be able to walk and do as I please instead of being paid to be confined to a bed).
And last but not least I have to thank my friends who visited me and kept me company and brought me Mars bars, and my family who I inconvenienced at all times by asking for little favours that I was unable to do myself. The moral support I’ve received from everyone has been wonderful and I’m ready to take that, not feel sorry for myself, and move forward and try to recover as soon as possible.
xox
Wish I could dream your siphoned screams
My chest doesn’t feel any easier
How you constantly drain my brain
Wishing I was better at speaking words I knew not existed
I hate bothering you more than I hate myself
Or bothering myself
My head tickles when my soul and mind are bordering
Each plotting targets like I was Stalingrad
I don’t even reside the same galaxy my consciousness does
I wish I were unconscious when I see what my conscience does
Or I wish it was subconscious
I never RSVP’d the last supper
Dangle me like tears that run dry
Sigh up to the sky where you won’t even feel my presence
You were my favourite present
And I’m still to this day paying for it
I’d a feeling I knew the way you felt
But I’ve been so wrong before I couldn’t see right
So I ignored whatever I shook on my magic eight
Because I didn’t deserve deserving you
We were part of a distrusting circle
Shaking my belief in trusting what I wanted to believe
No way out from behind friendly lines
I pulled the chute out of a kamikaze plane
You were a risk I wanted to be safe with
And I never knew I was a risk for you
And you waited, never hinting
And without hints I misbehaved
Those who say “live without regrets”
Have never made choices worth regretting
Your smile will never be mine, still I adore your “sad face”
Maybe one day I’ll be worth forgiving
Anonymous asked: What ever happened to your poetry? Why must you deprive us of an insight to real emotion, my heart aches for something new.
This looks like I’ve asked myself the question ahaha xox
Anonymous asked: So I guess it's safe to say that the poem is about a girl...?
That would be the safe thing to say but unfortunately (and without trying to sound extremely egotistical [which I am]), I don’t work like most people. Take it as you may.
xox
Anonymous asked: What was "I’m lying when I say I don’t want you" about? It's intriguing. I love the line, "You’re in the business of infinite chances with a product that sells itself" I know someone like that.
Unfortunately the poem is as transparent as the title- who or what I’m talking about though I will never tell ;)
It’s just about trying as hard as you’ve ever tried to not love something. But this something may as well have it’s own centre of gravity because the gravitational pull it has on you is beyond words and leaps and bounds.
The line means as it reads- it doesn’t matter how many times it has fucked you up/broken your heart- you’re going back to it again because of the irresistability involved.
xox
‘Catastrophic’ wouldn’t be the word I’d use
Recognising your productive value amidst my tragedy
You sure can turn my frown upside down
‘Smile’ is not the word I’d use to describe it though
Tied up in everything you’ve tied me down to
Although the Earth has slackened it’s gravitational pull
Love is still fighting; I’m wrapped up by Venus
My heart, my dear Mars is all but decayed and defeated
Eclipsing every Moon you care to burn my way
‘Totally’ feeling flustered following through on the tee
Heaven has a venue for personas like mine
I’m sick of all your whispers so loud
I close my ears so hard my eyes shut
You’re in the business of infinite chances
With a product that sells itself
You stole my heart more than once
So does that place you or I in the wrong?
I can only pretend as long as you can
Feeling left out when you’re in the right
Kissing your lips at night for days
But this isn’t romantic
I’m neither the first nor last you’ll drag
Down and around an almost heavenly staircase
I’ll fight as hard to let you go
As I would to hold you close
I’ll strike light to your soul and listen
To the sound of us breaking
